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Psyche into the Wilderness

Figures, the devil would be a
sweet faced angel like you,
And light a fire inside me.
Fine I won’t say anything.
In my mind I have to go through it all
let it crash and burn to get over it.
Cherubic angel face tempting me.
My Mischievous Cupid,

I won’t fall…

Deceiving messages packaged positively
are the most satisfying. (Matthew 4:11)





Fearful of losing

Running from hope to hope

Looking for home

Not second best

First and only

Alone together

Broken down

Disappeared world

But awake only holding

Unfulfilled desires


Let Not Man Put Asunder

You hold your heart in the open?

Anyone can take it with a smile?

I was so easy to forget,

I’ll be so easy to forget,

When something flesh and blood

Is next to you.

I’ve been drowning in this realization.

I’ll always love you more.

But dont worry,

I’ll always understand you.


“For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.”

God does carry out vengeance/justice, and how is vengeance carried out(?) but through other people. Being in a state of grace means being rid of past karma. One should not seek out vengeance. But when one follows ones inner voice and inadvertently brings karma on another person, they are thus doing god’s work. Being a servant or instrument of God in his serving of justice on the selfish and prideful. In a very cold and unfeeling manner, cause there is a law at work here, as above so below, in earth as it is in heaven. Love is balance and harmony, if someone upsets that balance they get back what they put forth.

You reap what you sow.



Fire Mantra


All desire is suffering
Eliminate desire
Eliminate suffering
Be in the moment
All else is illusion
The moment you desire
The moment you suffer
Someone else’s hands
Your fate
A cycle of self abuse
All is burning
Blow out
No self
Cosmic consciousness
At one



I dont understand how people can’t write down their feelings. It’s like a compulsion for me. I get crazy if I can’t write when I feel the urge. Like in class my professor was teaching some really amazing concepts of Hinduism and Buddhism, and I wanted to write a poem about them right then. But was like no, must pay attention, haha! Anyways I got my phone out afterwards and wrote this.


Care Full Heart

Your boyish arrogance
Attracts me.
After all, I’m not a little girl.
Your complexity
Intrigues me,
Maybe I want to break you.
Or maybe I want to be broken.
Those are the ugly thoughts but…
Aren’t we afraid of giving ourselves
Over to another?
Afraid of their hands holding
Our happiness.
Don’t we want
Someone to save us
From ourselves.
But fearful they won’t.
That’s the gamble
When we fall in love
Asserting independence,
But really we are lying.
It takes the utmost
Bravery to allow ourselves
To fall in love.
The truth being:
If I didn’t love you,
You couldn’t hurt me.



Sci Fi Love is Superior


I was rewatching the last few episodes of Battlestar Galactica and reflecting on the love stories in the series. I think they are some of the most powerful ones in all of film. “Someone to watch over me” was the last episode I watched. Starbuck is probably the greatest female character ever created. Sam, her lover, is in a coma, even though he can’t speak, can’t hear her, she still stays vigil over him. Interesting their love story: Starbuck going through so many confusing emotional times and he stayed with her even when she was confused and making mistakes. And her risking her life and disobeying orders to go back to earth to get him. And her not being able to stop thinking about him when she had to leave him behind.


Funny how they portray Starbuck and Lee being confused if they love each other, when they obviously risk everything for their real loves, not each other. Rewatching it it’s more like they are friends or siblings, eww but it’s true. Of course maybe I just don’t like Lee. Sam is dependable and always there for her unlike unrealiable Lee.


Then there are the stories of the people that find out the person they are in love with is a cylon, how they deal with that is fascinating. It touches on race and prejudices, in my opinion. God, like you can’t get any deeper in a love story than finding out your love is a machine, part of the enemy and loving them despite that. Cause love is really about SELF SACRIFICE, risking and sacrificing everything for another person.


I love Starbuck though, she shares a similar past with me. In fact it’s kind of painful to watch the back story episodes. Interesting that the further away you get from your past the more traumatic it is to think about. It’s like wow, I really lived through that bullshit?? Anyways it’s an interesting explanation for why she is so strong willed and determined.  Hmm… and why people’s lame attempts at insults don’t bother her, like, “please sweetie I’ve been through hell you can’t even imagine.”


Even the most keen

Have their weaknesses.

The search for the Sublime,

Has been mine.

You are exemplary,

You are validation that God exists.

The revelation of your Divine splendor

Dissolves faithless reverie.


State of emergency,
Throwing away rubbish parts of myself,
Things that could harm you.

I love you.

And the only explanation
I have for this love is:
You are you
and I am I.

Often I look back and think: why did I never notice he was this gorgeous before? I guess I don’t really care about how handsome a person is. But it did bother me that so many said you were so handsome and that’s all they offer for why they liked you. It really bothered me. I like to think that I like people for something deeper than looks. Ok, I couldn’t and can’t stop thinking about your eyes, but eyes are the window to the soul, so I can be forgiven for that. Right?

So when I discover who a person really is, then I can start appreciating their physical beauty but never before. That’s why I’m so slow on figuring out if I’m in love with someone and when if they move fast toward me I get scared and balk.

The thing is, I hold myself up to very high moral standards and berate myself very harshly if I fall behind my own code of ethics.

Shouldn’t love be unconditional? Even if a person makes mistakes or hurts you unintentionally, or even intentionally if it’s for honest reasons. Shouldn’t you be able to recognize them even in another life?? Regardless of looks or occupation? Maybe it’s my “far out” Mercury in Pisces, that makes me think love should be spiritual in nature. I guess that’s a new idea for some people. But that is how its always been for me.

When I feel sad or lost. I think of your eyes and feel safe. I could never hate you for anything you do, when I think of them. I understand the fiery Aries nature and what is hidden under the bravado. No, I could never not forgive someone who is just like me and I would never need a reason or reasons to love them.

So there is no reason, its just your “being” – your entire existence. What I mean by this rant is that: if I were to give you compliments on why I love you, it would be everything you do all the time. Even potentially ugly parts of your personality. Everything unconditionally, all the time.


To Have Faith


Dream, ending bathed in bright light, holding me.

Telling him I can’t stand to see him with anyone else.

I’m dying, do you see why I need you?

We were embracing each other tightly.

He came for me when I went to hide.

When I went to cry alone.

Because I was scared and didn’t want to show it.

Didn’t want to hurt him, worry him.

In my waking dream, I was utterly alone.

But in my sleeping dream, you came.



Prelude to Summer

June 19

Devotion, Without Doubt

Crying tears in the sun
Late night I realize
You can love so much
It breaks your own heart
I think about leaving
But you bring me back

May 26

I wish I could forget when it was magic.
I wish I could forget the rush of those first days.
I wish I could forget when you threw it all away.
I told you we could be the strongest,
Why did you mock me then?
Hurts doesn’t it? Being jealous?
Hurts pretending you’re not.
I know how that feels.
Still hurts that you play the victim.
You can’t admit fault, just ignore the truth.
Whatever, play the the child you are,
That’s all you ever were.
I never asked a damn thing of you,
You did it to yourself.
And I’ll never get an explanation,
For your ambiguity.
Did you think I’d forget?

May 24

My lunchtables of the past;
The goth girl,
The slut,
The transgender girl,
And the girl that slit her wrists.
I hung with the freaks
And the bad boys.
But I was just a tease,
Its much more fun to not give it up
And make my teachers blush.
Ooh I’m an outcast still?
Yeah I don’t get along with people
That sacrifice individuality
And freedom of expression
For popularity.
So thanks for the validation
That I never became what you are.

May 18

Bad Girl

It’s so easy to break them
Save nothing
Still waters
But I want you to try
Waxing waning
Can you find me out?
Can you run with me…

May 16

Never Thought I’d Run

I didn’t ask for you to do a live that night.
I knew you were thinking of me,
“Don’t look back” said the dragon.
I didn’t ask for you to buy that green necklace
The next day.
I didn’t ask for you to be in my home town
For four days thinking of me.
I didn’t ask for you to change your wardrobe.
I didn’t ask for you to like the art, movies, or music I like.
I definitely didn’t ask to be stalked and harassed
By your gang of…..
I didn’t ask anything of you ever,
Not once: do this, upload that.
You did everything cause you wanted to.
As I recall, you asked me not to cheat.
And I implied that it hurt me
When you stared at other girls.
And I remember you blatantly disregarded those feelings.

To come after someone just to hurt them,
That’s just mean.
Seeing you only breaks my heart again.
All my hopes and dreams that died
Come rushing back to me.
Ghosts that make me ache.
But everything’s all about you
And your feelings.

May 14


Everything I never knew that I wanted
Like a going down a check list
Yes, I like that and that and that
Wearing the same clothes
Clueless in the kitchen
Messy room
Sweetest laugh
I’m even in love with the way you walk
Can you never stop walking like that?
It’s just everything
And everything about you makes me crazy
Your sillyness makes me laugh
Yet I yearn to take care of you

May 3


You’ve fallen so far down
Through the earth to
the other side of the universe
Into a far away galaxy
That you can only hope
is the OOber Galaxy of stars
Cause it’s so beautiful
you don’t ever want to leave

April 26

Nothing to let go
Or hold on to

Not the same
I’m secure
Even if you are
Not with me
I’m serious
But not afraid
I only want
To make you happy

April 18

When we give our love
We often also feel pain,
But they feel only pleasure.
How much more deeply
Do we love? To sacrifice
Our pleasure for theirs.
When in seeking pleasure we
Risk the ultimate pain,
To give life to another.

I’m Smitten

You are Warm

And Cozy

Like Home

I feel Welcome

Kept Safe

I’ve Found

My Deep

I’m Staying

Oh come on now, sweetie

You never touched me

Not once

and you never will

But he will and

When we finally get together

You will hear my screams of ecstasy

Across the oceans

Mmm, Can you hear them?

I hope when you think of me

You think of his hands

All over my body

Breathe, Just Breathe

I’ll meet you there

Somewhere in the wind

Breathe me in



Time and distance

Are illusions anyways

Appreciate the storm

And the calm it brought

To the seas

We are sailing on


You belong together

You both share a

Complete lack of empathy

Don’t care who you hurt

In the search for self gratification

You only wanted me for a trophy

Cause I’m not easy

I’m impossible

You never knew me

We both loved a fantasy

I never had wandering eyes

Until you betrayed me

I’ll never forget the shock

Through my whole body

When I saw what you did

Really, secret dances?

Sending hearts

Singing love lyrics

Sneaky glances

That I used to be at the end of

Tell me I’m not justified

Go ahead

I know you’re still doing it

Thanks to friends

Telling me

I’m right

The only reason I think of you

Is to try to figure out

how a person could be that selfish

And mean and deceitful

I pity any girl that falls for you

I’ve been through a period of soul testing according to my natal chart. All astrologers say that time period, is the worst period of soul testing for everybody. I always thought when I read about it, there would be some specific decision to be made and I was afraid of making the wrong one. All some astrologers would say is that it is a period of “meeting self”… now I realize what they meant was that you keep faith in yourself, that you WILL make the right decision and that a higher source will guide you. It’s like Job, I guess… really all I did was ask why I had to go through this? But I never lost faith that something good would come out of enduring all that pain…

I don’t have answers, but I ask and receive messages and try to interpret them.

Last night: Dream about diamonds, explaining they reflect a pure white light, whereas, crystals reflect a rainbow and the better the diamond the clearer the light they give off. So when someone proposes with a ring, you know how sincere they are by how clear the diamond shines…. then I look back at you and feel deep deep and we go to leave, but I pick up a white dress that’s hanging and stain it in some red wine and I wonder why I care when I’m already wearing a white dress that is shorter and cuter… I want to say to everyone else who is upset that it doesn’t matter just throw it away… then I wake up


I’m so at fault

What was I thinking trying to be a fan

Someone liked me

Gosh such a crime

I so deserve to be part

Of this bullshit

I never asked for this

Such a crime to believe in a Liar

Yeah we all have feelings

Except me I guess

Why Cross lines

When you lied

God I’m such a bad girl

For trying to get closer to a fool

Funny thing is I have the power

I can turn you all off with a click

Or destroy you with loose lips

Keep giving me those receipts

So much time money energy

All for naught

All to prove

You will never love as deeply as I have

But my love is my own

It belongs to me

It can’t be stolen

I’ll give it to whomever I please


For Chris

How this story ends isn’t fair

You gave me wings in my darkest days

How can you grow more beautiful now

Suicidal thoughts

When I had them

You echoed me

Embraced them

gave me clarity

To feel life

I owe you mine

A million times over

Now that your gone

Your radiance has spread and

shines so brightly through my tears

* I’ve had this card since I was like 6 years old…. I cried for a very long time when he left us… I wrote this May 19, 2017


It feels like a spell is broken

I remember finding out

This was nothing new to him

Feeling so low and worthless

Black rain falling in my heart

But I couldn’t escape

Now it feels like prayers being answered

Content happiness fills me

It’s like my fairy elf gnome leprechaun friends

Returned from the 5th dimension

To guide me out of this abyss

Into Spring, renewal and rebirth

The rain has made everything clear

I feel weightless and clean


bad blood

February, 19

The smell of death still lingers

I can see the past clearly now

But I still don’t know what or who you are

And you know the answer is “no”

Something has changed

The feelings I had are gone

I can’t win this battle

Don’t regret, I was only a toy

Just a practice heart

That you tried to destroy


You can sense it can’t you?

Death, it’s all around us…

But I’ll be reborn,

Spring will renew my love.


(Everyone knows alright,

They are gonna know

What a jerk you are.

And no one will trust you,

They’ll feel sorry for me

And help me get my R-E-V-E-N-G-E)



January, 4

All I can love is my own sadness

Thought those hearts were you and me

But they are me and her

Why should I bother

Losers don’t compete

I give up the fight

I’m tired

You’d throw away my love

For a sweet face

I knew I was worthless

My whole life that’s all I was told

You didn’t give me true love

Only validation for my fears

Validation of the hate I’ve been dealt

She’s still fighting for you

But I’m just sad alone hurt and confused

Why did you come after me?

When you still love her…


December, 13

The Colors of Our Love

Free thought painted over

A world run by greed

Not allowed to gather together

Be happy, share ideas

Anarchy suppressed

Oppression rules our minds

And life goes on unaware of it’s potential


And… you fall for it

The trap

You’re owned, guarded

Love suppressed

For the sake of greed

And others delusions, kept intact

Ask yourself, for what?

Are lies worth it?

Your life is worth what?

Love is worth what?

And when will the colors of our love

Be washed over with white paint….


November, 8

Dripping Honey in the Acid of my Mind

Never know who’s on your mind

While we make love

You broke me

My heart is empty


I’m drunk with anticipation

Knowing you won’t call

But I stay anyways


I realized all this time

I’m the one who wanted

To fall out of love


Why did you have to do this?

I didn’t ask for it

You knew you’d never some

Even though you said…

You would…


October, 24

Lost in my web of dreams

And I still feel pain

When I know you won’t come

Sometimes I want you to leave me alone

I was fine before you came along

And I’m frightened…

This love is too good

How can something this perfect

Last Forever?


I want you to come hold me,

I’m cold.

But I only feel my cold tears

That won’t come,

Welling up inside me.

Like a million lifetimes of suffering,

Begging to be released.



October, 14

I wake up each morning

With my heart broken

Through my nightmares

My inexhaustible fears

I know you won’t care of my overflow of tears


You have millions

I only have you

I stay alone

You hear their cheers

Breathe them in

Live for me

It doesn’t matter

If I live love or die

 begin again

September, 25

I feel so disposable

Lady Lazarus

I just want to die

All my life

It’s been this way

I try to help

But I just get so used

My heart is broke

I’m nothing to no one

Just another face in the crowd

I’m not special

I’m so dumb to trust anyone

This is officially the last time

I open up to anyone

Hope, What a joke

I’ve been hoping for too  long

I’m done

Broken so completely and utterly……


September, 10

Money is not power

Clothes are not power

The revolutions were orchestrated

By lies

You are only a pawn in their game


September, 8

The feelings I thought were mine

Are now owned by everyone

I’m so mad

Take everything

The worst happened

When I opened up

Why did I trust

This illusion

Too good to be true

You only listened so you could



August, 27

The Chase

What chance does the fox have?

It gets destroyed in the end

Why do they do it?

To satisfy the vanity of the hunters


June, 15

I don’t need this

I’m the most unlucky girl

Always at the wrong places

Fate likes teasing me

Breaking my heart

Everytime I try to smile

It shows me I’m a fool

Still Naïve and trusting

After being thrown away

What a cruel city

To betray me like this

Just me in this empty room

The only thing I have is my cats

I don’t want to be played

My ability to trust has run dry

I stay alone with my broken heart

I’m a melancholic baby

And these wounds are too deep

For you too heal

Fly away to someone simple

Some girl who giggles all the time

That’s not me