Latest Entries »

I’m Smitten

You are Warm

And Cozy

Like Home

I feel Welcome

Kept Safe

I’ve Found

My Deep

I’m Staying

Advertisements

Oh come on now, sweetie

You never touched me

Not once

and you never will

But he will and

When we finally get together

You will hear my screams of ecstasy

Across the oceans

Mmm, Can you hear them?

I hope when you think of me

You think of his hands

All over my body

Breathe, Just Breathe

I’ll meet you there

Somewhere in the wind

Breathe me in

Sigh

Relax

Time and distance

Are illusions anyways

Appreciate the storm

And the calm it brought

To the seas

We are sailing on

Babe

You belong together

You both share a

Complete lack of empathy

Don’t care who you hurt

In the search for self gratification

You only wanted me for a trophy

Cause I’m not easy

I’m impossible

You never knew me

We both loved a fantasy

I never had wandering eyes

Until you betrayed me

I’ll never forget the shock

Through my whole body

When I saw what you did

Really, secret dances?

Sending hearts

Singing love lyrics

Sneaky glances

That I used to be at the end of

Tell me I’m not justified

Go ahead

I know you’re still doing it

Thanks to friends

Telling me

I’m right

The only reason I think of you

Is to try to figure out

how a person could be that selfish

And mean and deceitful

I pity any girl that falls for you

I’ve been through a period of soul testing according to my natal chart. All astrologers say that time period, is the worst period of soul testing for everybody. I always thought when I read about it, there would be some specific decision to be made and I was afraid of making the wrong one. All some astrologers would say is that it is a period of “meeting self”… now I realize what they meant was that you keep faith in yourself, that you WILL make the right decision and that a higher source will guide you. It’s like Job, I guess… really all I did was ask why I had to go through this? But I never lost faith that something good would come out of enduring all that pain…

I don’t have answers, but I ask and receive messages and try to interpret them.

Last night: Dream about diamonds, explaining they reflect a pure white light, whereas, crystals reflect a rainbow and the better the diamond the clearer the light they give off. So when someone proposes with a ring, you know how sincere they are by how clear the diamond shines…. then I look back at you and feel deep deep and we go to leave, but I pick up a white dress that’s hanging and stain it in some red wine and I wonder why I care when I’m already wearing a white dress that is shorter and cuter… I want to say to everyone else who is upset that it doesn’t matter just throw it away… then I wake up

Mine

I’m so at fault

What was I thinking trying to be a fan

Someone liked me

Gosh such a crime

I so deserve to be part

Of this bullshit

I never asked for this

Such a crime to believe in a Liar

Yeah we all have feelings

Except me I guess

Why Cross lines

When you lied

God I’m such a bad girl

For trying to get closer to a fool

Funny thing is I have the power

I can turn you all off with a click

Or destroy you with loose lips

Keep giving me those receipts

So much time money energy

All for naught

All to prove

You will never love as deeply as I have

But my love is my own

It belongs to me

It can’t be stolen

I’ll give it to whomever I please

💗💚💙💗💚💙💗💚💙💗💚💙💗💚💙💗💚💙

For Chris

How this story ends isn’t fair

You gave me wings in my darkest days

How can you grow more beautiful now

Suicidal thoughts

When I had them

You echoed me

Embraced them

gave me clarity

To feel life

I owe you mine

A million times over

Now that your gone

Your radiance has spread and

shines so brightly through my tears

* I’ve had this card since I was like 6 years old…. I cried for a very long time when he left us… I wrote this May 19, 2017

Gratitude

It feels like a spell is broken

I remember finding out

This was nothing new to him

Feeling so low and worthless

Black rain falling in my heart

But I couldn’t escape

Now it feels like prayers being answered

Content happiness fills me

It’s like my fairy elf gnome leprechaun friends

Returned from the 5th dimension

To guide me out of this abyss

Into Spring, renewal and rebirth

The rain has made everything clear

I feel weightless and clean

midsummer-eve-edward-robert-hughes

bad blood

February, 19

The smell of death still lingers

I can see the past clearly now

But I still don’t know what or who you are

And you know the answer is “no”

Something has changed

The feelings I had are gone

I can’t win this battle

Don’t regret, I was only a toy

Just a practice heart

That you tried to destroy

 

You can sense it can’t you?

Death, it’s all around us…

But I’ll be reborn,

Spring will renew my love.

 

(Everyone knows alright,

They are gonna know

What a jerk you are.

And no one will trust you,

They’ll feel sorry for me

And help me get my R-E-V-E-N-G-E)

 

 

January, 4

All I can love is my own sadness

Thought those hearts were you and me

But they are me and her

Why should I bother

Losers don’t compete

I give up the fight

I’m tired

You’d throw away my love

For a sweet face

I knew I was worthless

My whole life that’s all I was told

You didn’t give me true love

Only validation for my fears

Validation of the hate I’ve been dealt

She’s still fighting for you

But I’m just sad alone hurt and confused

Why did you come after me?

When you still love her…

 clean

December, 13

The Colors of Our Love

Free thought painted over

A world run by greed

Not allowed to gather together

Be happy, share ideas

Anarchy suppressed

Oppression rules our minds

And life goes on unaware of it’s potential

 

And… you fall for it

The trap

You’re owned, guarded

Love suppressed

For the sake of greed

And others delusions, kept intact

Ask yourself, for what?

Are lies worth it?

Your life is worth what?

Love is worth what?

And when will the colors of our love

Be washed over with white paint….

 

November, 8

Dripping Honey in the Acid of my Mind

Never know who’s on your mind

While we make love

You broke me

My heart is empty

 

I’m drunk with anticipation

Knowing you won’t call

But I stay anyways

And…

I realized all this time

I’m the one who wanted

To fall out of love

 

Why did you have to do this?

I didn’t ask for it

You knew you’d never some

Even though you said…

You would…

 trouble

October, 24

Lost in my web of dreams

And I still feel pain

When I know you won’t come

Sometimes I want you to leave me alone

I was fine before you came along

And I’m frightened…

This love is too good

How can something this perfect

Last Forever?

 

I want you to come hold me,

I’m cold.

But I only feel my cold tears

That won’t come,

Welling up inside me.

Like a million lifetimes of suffering,

Begging to be released.

 

 

October, 14

I wake up each morning

With my heart broken

Through my nightmares

My inexhaustible fears

I know you won’t care of my overflow of tears

 

You have millions

I only have you

I stay alone

You hear their cheers

Breathe them in

Live for me

It doesn’t matter

If I live love or die

 begin again

September, 25

I feel so disposable

Lady Lazarus

I just want to die

All my life

It’s been this way

I try to help

But I just get so used

My heart is broke

I’m nothing to no one

Just another face in the crowd

I’m not special

I’m so dumb to trust anyone

This is officially the last time

I open up to anyone

Hope, What a joke

I’ve been hoping for too  long

I’m done

Broken so completely and utterly……

 

September, 10

Money is not power

Clothes are not power

The revolutions were orchestrated

By lies

You are only a pawn in their game

 

September, 8

The feelings I thought were mine

Are now owned by everyone

I’m so mad

Take everything

The worst happened

When I opened up

Why did I trust

This illusion

Too good to be true

You only listened so you could

STEAL

never

August, 27

The Chase

What chance does the fox have?

It gets destroyed in the end

Why do they do it?

To satisfy the vanity of the hunters

 

June, 15

I don’t need this

I’m the most unlucky girl

Always at the wrong places

Fate likes teasing me

Breaking my heart

Everytime I try to smile

It shows me I’m a fool

Still Naïve and trusting

After being thrown away

What a cruel city

To betray me like this

Just me in this empty room

The only thing I have is my cats

I don’t want to be played

My ability to trust has run dry

I stay alone with my broken heart

I’m a melancholic baby

And these wounds are too deep

For you too heal

Fly away to someone simple

Some girl who giggles all the time

That’s not me

clean2

 

Lie to me

And I’ll believe
Rotten carrots and cat puke
That’s how my night’s gone
Why did you lie
I watch movies
I listen to love songs
I’m up, then down
Why did you lie
No solution or answer
Comes to me
I didn’t ask for this
Burdened with your attentions
But why…
No answer comes still
Is this all in vain?
…… So since then I’ve learned to have no expectations, I may never see you again. 

Another Lost Dream.

The Monster in my Home

I HAD A DREAM I LET YOU GO,
OUTSIDE MY HOME.
YOU WANTED ME
DESPITE MY CONFESSION.

SO I WENT HOME ALONE,
AND INSIDE WAS A MONSTER,
MY OWN FEARS.
FEAR WON IN MY DREAM….

somewhere to run to
I’ve lost
Why can’t I hold
myself back
I never learn
this is how I get hurt
setting up for failure
reveal yourself
but you’ll end up alone
like always
I need my secrets
but I’m too honest
I always show them where
it hurts most
where to throw their stones
trusting little lamb

Dream Tiger

  • ice_princess_by_selenada-d7zn51w

Because of the words you wrote

I can never be sad.
It’s still hard
Not having you here.
I can’t show you my pain
Anymore.
It’s not fair.
Now that you’ve told me you’re here.
But somehow it’s not enough.
I know your not playing any games.
But old wounds
Make me afraid.
I can’t erase my past
Never thinking I’m good enough.
This is so hard.
I can’t tell you who I am.
I don’t deserve something so sweet.
I don’t deserve you.
Your perfect in my eyes,
It makes me ache with desire
To love you and protect you.
I didn’t plan for this.
It can look insincere from the outside,
But I swear my love is real.
Your stare,
A shock through me.
Your voice,
Makes me tremble.
Up all night,
Your words
Running round in my head.
I mean it when I said,
“I’d wait all eternity for your kiss”,
And I’d still love you
Even if you hated me.

I must be going crazy…

ryan_heidi_06

Superflat Mendacious Art

Can they speak for themselves
Or do they have wires on their mouths?
These are my scary little thoughts
Rolling around my head.
I don’t mean to offend.
I’m so in love
It makes me sick.
Hurt, hurt,
Nauseating hurt.
The machine devours human hearts,
expels commodities
for thoughtless masses.
The male genius
a fucking hypocrite.
Superflat affectation.
The woman artist
Perpetually
THE OTHER.
Our voice,
What fucking Voice?
Moral: “When Art  becomes a mass produced nonentity, It’s the end for all creative cognition amongst humanity”
$$$$

Dream Dragon

Grow, don’t change.
Stay alive, because
Even the pain is beautiful.
So hot and you have a heart
That’s breaking mine.
Your beauty is the air I breathe.
I want to shelter you but
Your so far away.
It hurts.
We meet in my dreams,
I wake up missing you..

92

American Girl

11ffc45547982a4a941126751ac4737f

don’t intend to continue
yes for her
them that sleep
the army
but
that I am here
run for the day
evening wake up
we do not faint
rough I’m not
the people here
ruled they were
I right at the back
the billion pic
whats going to happen
the media on it
who happy in this time

3ca528179aacc465a7d46ef4b78da49a

the voices silenced
how do they feel
to share him
love confessed
her smile is all that’s seen,
it’s cracking,
down turned eyes
her revenge through jealousy,
fighting over remembered passion,
eyes on me,
eyes on her now,
fighting over flesh

FB_IMG_1430415947755

Poems of Babble

lets start at the beginning
you I want to rip your clothes off
later haunting images of…
getting on
your hate causes whirlwinds
ignore ignore
you will always come back
and so will I
I never got a chance with her
spiritual awakening
from the past stirring my soul
spring still taunts me
desire for a love
only in my head
poems of babble
and commercial tales
what to decide love or hate
no continuity in sex
cut each others throats
and I still remember the dirtiness
can’t clean enough

Steampunk-Girl-pin-up-3

 

DisEnchanted

You little pest
Hold your breath
please be my guest
I’m sick of your tests
I just want to be at rest
I’ll continue my quest
At your jests
I’m unimpressed
without you I’m blessed
my passion awakes in my breast
Of your charm I’m dispossessed
rip up my princess dress
Fly free from your nest
Of ghoulish depressed
deprived of their best
I am self-possessed
No longer obsessed

steampunk-girls-12

Dark Reflections

“Think she’ll kill herself today?
Shall we watch?
That girl is a train wreck!”
You bring me here, out of myself
I dive into the surroundings
And bring forth
Words cut by silence.
This distance protects our egos.
Play games to avoid intimacy.
Lies and more lies.
A wandering stranger with a familiar scent.
I’ll light the black candles,
and banish this darkness.

girls candles