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1880181

(https://www.yahoo.com/entertainment/ariana-grande-reconnects-her-estranged-181430182.html)

I saw this a few days ago and been thinking about it cause, I’ve came to similar conclusions.

Pretty sure I’ve said my Dad is an alcoholic and it fucked me up real good, and I try everyday to overcome those shortcomings.

But something I learned from it, is that people are not all good or bad and people can choose to learn from others mistakes or fall prey to them.

It’s like, yes I have trust problems, can you really blame me for it? I try but if someone continuously breaks my trust in them, I cant have them in my life. I just brings back all the pain from my childhood.

I see people with great families and I wonder how that would be. I really have no idea. I’m sure they can never really comprehend what I went through either. Its unfortunate. But does that really mean you can’t be sympathetic or understanding? I really don’t write people off as good or bad, I understand when people lash out it’s from insecurity. I am no different. When I was younger I dealt with internalized misogyny myself, it wasn’t till college that I realized it. Cause I would think pretty women or women that dressed a certain way were stupid. But then I went to college and professors treated me with shock cause I was pretty, wore heels, make up, tight clothes etc and was the top student. I was pretty hurt and pissed off about it. I wrote really angry stuff in my notebooks, before I even read anything about feminism. Then when I did, I realized I had come to the same conclusions in my notebooks. So sometimes I just want to share stuff I’ve learned, it’s interesting and I have grown from learning about it. I think if you are aware of your shortcomings and accept them then you can try to overcome them. And like damn everyone is guilty of something, I hate people treating me like I’m supposed to be perfect. I just can’t be around anyone that reminds me of my father, it’s just something I can’t handle. That doesn’t come from a place of hate, just an acceptance that you can’t change people or control others. I don’t hate people, I don’t waste my time. Life is short and I choose to have faith in love. Love is my God.

 

I know a lot of where my problems come from, cause I read a lot of psychology. Like for example I’m prone to anxiety cause I never had any control over what could happen to me when I was a kid. So the anxiety is a attempt to control everything around you. But you can’t, so the advice I got from psychology articles was to realize you can’t change some things by worrying about it. It’s very helpful for me to stop and go, ok you can’t control what people do or if they want to hate you for no reason. So just don’t worry, you can’t control everything. Repeat All Is Full Of Love in my mind and get on with life.

 

And I guess I could say a lot of things but, also I have an overactive sense of empathy. That’s why I cant stand to see people or animals suffering. So I try to be nice rather than mean, cause I don’t like the thought of anyone suffering like I did.  I know I’m kinda of a brat and make jokes but humor is one of the only thing that keeps me alive. Peace y’all 🌈

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Listen

You are
Inside me now
Following my heart
Where this journey
Is taking me
Doesn’t matter
Trusting signs
Around me
Always surrounding
My guide
Comfort in your
Consistency
Despite my fleeting emotions
You keep me stable
No reason to
Worry about nothing

yuyyhhhhhhh

Leaving is Momentum

Words slip in and out of my mind

Say I love you

And jinx it for good

Faithless pro

Explanations abound

But an image lingers

Leave silent

Broken glass

Barefoot alone

Coincidence broken

Inside secret

Heart kept

Intact only

Admire from afar

fairy-dreams-pictures

Breaks

Clear glass held between hands pushed pushed pushed no support slipping falls shatters numb until only pain

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You cannot go against the will or law of God. That is an illusion. Much like the traitor in The Matrix that eats the steak and says I know it’s an illusion but prefers to live in the illusionary land (material) because it feels good. Like the 3 girls in The Craft, they try to invoke the spirit of nature, without being spiritually ready. Then proceed to use the powers for selfishness, and it comes back at them. Anything you put out comes back. If you do not serve the law and are not ready to use it as it wills to be used, whatever you put out will come back.

Using “demons” or ceremonial magic (or drugs), is a way to try and cheat the law. Which is impossible. That is a lesson for some to learn.

Romani are born with a connection to mana. Also with their own set of fairies/nature spirit/ancestor spirit. This is gained through spiritual discipline in past lives. Such people do not need to do elaborate ritual or mess with dark entities to have their will enforced. It is a very foolish deed to mess with the spiritual realm(when one is not spiritual advanced) or to think one can do so for selfish purposes.

And um… fyi… the Baphomet is a symbol not an entity… morons…

Someone or organizations trying to manipulate people, psychologically mess with them, or physically torturing people is not “magic” or occultism. They are psychos, using studied tactics to control and manipulate people. Research scientology, for an example. One method of control is through superstition. Also, making people have multiple personality disorders through extreme trauma is real. It’s not a “cool” thing to have as a concept for a band.

“Dissociative identity disorder, formerly referred to as multiple personality disorder, is a condition wherein a person’s identity is fragmented into two or more distinct personality states. People with this rare condition are often victims of severe abuse.” – Psychology Today

Psyche into the Wilderness

Figures, the devil would be a
sweet faced angel like you,
And light a fire inside me.
Fine I won’t say anything.
In my mind I have to go through it all
let it crash and burn to get over it.
Cherubic angel face tempting me.
My Mischievous Cupid,

I won’t fall…

Deceiving messages packaged positively
are the most satisfying. (Matthew 4:11)

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Fearful of losing

Running from hope to hope

Looking for home

Not second best

First and only

Alone together

Broken down

Disappeared world

But awake only holding

Unfulfilled desires

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Let Not Man Put Asunder

You hold your heart in the open?

Anyone can take it with a smile?

I was so easy to forget,

I’ll be so easy to forget,

When something flesh and blood

Is next to you.

I’ve been drowning in this realization.

I’ll always love you more.

But dont worry,

I’ll always understand you.

indurash

“For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.”

God does carry out vengeance/justice, and how is vengeance carried out(?) but through other people. Being in a state of grace means being rid of past karma. One should not seek out vengeance. But when one follows ones inner voice and inadvertently brings karma on another person, they are thus doing god’s work. Being a servant or instrument of God in his serving of justice on the selfish and prideful. In a very cold and unfeeling manner, cause there is a law at work here, as above so below, in earth as it is in heaven. Love is balance and harmony, if someone upsets that balance they get back what they put forth.

You reap what you sow.

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Fire Mantra

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All desire is suffering
Eliminate desire
Eliminate suffering
Moderation
Be in the moment
All else is illusion
The moment you desire
The moment you suffer
Someone else’s hands
Your fate
A cycle of self abuse
All is burning
Blow out
Extinguish
Atman
No self
Cosmic consciousness
At one

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I dont understand how people can’t write down their feelings. It’s like a compulsion for me. I get crazy if I can’t write when I feel the urge. Like in class my professor was teaching some really amazing concepts of Hinduism and Buddhism, and I wanted to write a poem about them right then. But was like no, must pay attention, haha! Anyways I got my phone out afterwards and wrote this.

 

Care Full Heart

Your boyish arrogance
Attracts me.
After all, I’m not a little girl.
Your complexity
Intrigues me,
Maybe I want to break you.
Or maybe I want to be broken.
Those are the ugly thoughts but…
Aren’t we afraid of giving ourselves
Over to another?
Afraid of their hands holding
Our happiness.
Don’t we want
Someone to save us
From ourselves.
But fearful they won’t.
That’s the gamble
When we fall in love
Asserting independence,
But really we are lying.
It takes the utmost
Bravery to allow ourselves
To fall in love.
The truth being:
If I didn’t love you,
You couldn’t hurt me.

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Sci Fi Love is Superior

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I was rewatching the last few episodes of Battlestar Galactica and reflecting on the love stories in the series. I think they are some of the most powerful ones in all of film. “Someone to watch over me” was the last episode I watched. Starbuck is probably the greatest female character ever created. Sam, her lover, is in a coma, even though he can’t speak, can’t hear her, she still stays vigil over him. Interesting their love story: Starbuck going through so many confusing emotional times and he stayed with her even when she was confused and making mistakes. And her risking her life and disobeying orders to go back to earth to get him. And her not being able to stop thinking about him when she had to leave him behind.

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Funny how they portray Starbuck and Lee being confused if they love each other, when they obviously risk everything for their real loves, not each other. Rewatching it it’s more like they are friends or siblings, eww but it’s true. Of course maybe I just don’t like Lee. Sam is dependable and always there for her unlike unrealiable Lee.

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Then there are the stories of the people that find out the person they are in love with is a cylon, how they deal with that is fascinating. It touches on race and prejudices, in my opinion. God, like you can’t get any deeper in a love story than finding out your love is a machine, part of the enemy and loving them despite that. Cause love is really about SELF SACRIFICE, risking and sacrificing everything for another person.

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I love Starbuck though, she shares a similar past with me. In fact it’s kind of painful to watch the back story episodes. Interesting that the further away you get from your past the more traumatic it is to think about. It’s like wow, I really lived through that bullshit?? Anyways it’s an interesting explanation for why she is so strong willed and determined.  Hmm… and why people’s lame attempts at insults don’t bother her, like, “please sweetie I’ve been through hell you can’t even imagine.”
hhjj

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Even the most keen

Have their weaknesses.

The search for the Sublime,

Has been mine.

You are exemplary,

You are validation that God exists.

The revelation of your Divine splendor

Dissolves faithless reverie.

 we-get-it

State of emergency,
Throwing away rubbish parts of myself,
Things that could harm you.
Cause…

I love you.

And the only explanation
I have for this love is:
You are you
and I am I.

Often I look back and think: why did I never notice he was this gorgeous before? I guess I don’t really care about how handsome a person is. But it did bother me that so many said you were so handsome and that’s all they offer for why they liked you. It really bothered me. I like to think that I like people for something deeper than looks. Ok, I couldn’t and can’t stop thinking about your eyes, but eyes are the window to the soul, so I can be forgiven for that. Right?

So when I discover who a person really is, then I can start appreciating their physical beauty but never before. That’s why I’m so slow on figuring out if I’m in love with someone and when if they move fast toward me I get scared and balk.

The thing is, I hold myself up to very high moral standards and berate myself very harshly if I fall behind my own code of ethics.

Shouldn’t love be unconditional? Even if a person makes mistakes or hurts you unintentionally, or even intentionally if it’s for honest reasons. Shouldn’t you be able to recognize them even in another life?? Regardless of looks or occupation? Maybe it’s my “far out” Mercury in Pisces, that makes me think love should be spiritual in nature. I guess that’s a new idea for some people. But that is how its always been for me.

When I feel sad or lost. I think of your eyes and feel safe. I could never hate you for anything you do, when I think of them. I understand the fiery Aries nature and what is hidden under the bravado. No, I could never not forgive someone who is just like me and I would never need a reason or reasons to love them.

So there is no reason, its just your “being” – your entire existence. What I mean by this rant is that: if I were to give you compliments on why I love you, it would be everything you do all the time. Even potentially ugly parts of your personality. Everything unconditionally, all the time.

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To Have Faith

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Dream, ending bathed in bright light, holding me.

Telling him I can’t stand to see him with anyone else.

I’m dying, do you see why I need you?

We were embracing each other tightly.

He came for me when I went to hide.

When I went to cry alone.

Because I was scared and didn’t want to show it.

Didn’t want to hurt him, worry him.

In my waking dream, I was utterly alone.

But in my sleeping dream, you came.

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Prelude to Summer

June 19

Devotion, Without Doubt

Crying tears in the sun
Late night I realize
You can love so much
It breaks your own heart
I think about leaving
But you bring me back

May 26

I wish I could forget when it was magic.
I wish I could forget the rush of those first days.
I wish I could forget when you threw it all away.
I told you we could be the strongest,
Why did you mock me then?
Hurts doesn’t it? Being jealous?
Hurts pretending you’re not.
I know how that feels.
Still hurts that you play the victim.
You can’t admit fault, just ignore the truth.
Whatever, play the the child you are,
That’s all you ever were.
I never asked a damn thing of you,
You did it to yourself.
And I’ll never get an explanation,
For your ambiguity.
Did you think I’d forget?

May 24

My lunchtables of the past;
The goth girl,
The slut,
The transgender girl,
And the girl that slit her wrists.
I hung with the freaks
And the bad boys.
But I was just a tease,
Its much more fun to not give it up
And make my teachers blush.
Ooh I’m an outcast still?
Yeah I don’t get along with people
That sacrifice individuality
And freedom of expression
For popularity.
So thanks for the validation
That I never became what you are.

May 18

Bad Girl

It’s so easy to break them
Inconsistent
Enigmatic
Save nothing
Still waters
Immovable
Untamed
But I want you to try
Challenge
Waxing waning
Artemis
Huntress
Can you find me out?
Can you run with me…

May 16

Never Thought I’d Run

I didn’t ask for you to do a live that night.
I knew you were thinking of me,
“Don’t look back” said the dragon.
I didn’t ask for you to buy that green necklace
The next day.
I didn’t ask for you to be in my home town
For four days thinking of me.
I didn’t ask for you to change your wardrobe.
I didn’t ask for you to like the art, movies, or music I like.
I definitely didn’t ask to be stalked and harassed
By your gang of…..
I didn’t ask anything of you ever,
Not once: do this, upload that.
You did everything cause you wanted to.
As I recall, you asked me not to cheat.
And I implied that it hurt me
When you stared at other girls.
And I remember you blatantly disregarded those feelings.

To come after someone just to hurt them,
That’s just mean.
Seeing you only breaks my heart again.
All my hopes and dreams that died
Come rushing back to me.
Ghosts that make me ache.
But everything’s all about you
And your feelings.

May 14

Austere

Everything I never knew that I wanted
Like a going down a check list
Yes, I like that and that and that
Wearing the same clothes
Clueless in the kitchen
Messy room
Sweetest laugh
I’m even in love with the way you walk
Can you never stop walking like that?
It’s just everything
And everything about you makes me crazy
Your sillyness makes me laugh
Yet I yearn to take care of you

May 3

Stay

You’ve fallen so far down
Through the earth to
the other side of the universe
Into a far away galaxy
That you can only hope
is the OOber Galaxy of stars
Cause it’s so beautiful
you don’t ever want to leave

April 26

Nothing to let go
Or hold on to

Not the same
I’m secure
Even if you are
Not with me
I’m serious
But not afraid
I only want
To make you happy

April 18

Women
When we give our love
We often also feel pain,
But they feel only pleasure.
How much more deeply
Do we love? To sacrifice
Our pleasure for theirs.
When in seeking pleasure we
Risk the ultimate pain,
To give life to another.

I’m Smitten

You are Warm

And Cozy

Like Home

I feel Welcome

Kept Safe

I’ve Found

My Deep

I’m Staying

Oh come on now, sweetie

You never touched me

Not once

and you never will

But he will and

When we finally get together

You will hear my screams of ecstasy

Across the oceans

Mmm, Can you hear them?

I hope when you think of me

You think of his hands

All over my body

Breathe, Just Breathe

I’ll meet you there

Somewhere in the wind

Breathe me in

Sigh

Relax

Time and distance

Are illusions anyways

Appreciate the storm

And the calm it brought

To the seas

We are sailing on

Babe

You belong together

You both share a

Complete lack of empathy

Don’t care who you hurt

In the search for self gratification

You only wanted me for a trophy

Cause I’m not easy

I’m impossible

You never knew me

We both loved a fantasy

I never had wandering eyes

Until you betrayed me

I’ll never forget the shock

Through my whole body

When I saw what you did

Really, secret dances?

Sending hearts

Singing love lyrics

Sneaky glances

That I used to be at the end of

Tell me I’m not justified

Go ahead

I know you’re still doing it

Thanks to friends

Telling me

I’m right

The only reason I think of you

Is to try to figure out

how a person could be that selfish

And mean and deceitful

I pity any girl that falls for you