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Serene Metamorphosis

If you still like my crazy S-elf after everything that has befallen, that makes me feel really secure, which is something I’ve never experienced before… as long as you’re with me I feel invincible… wow that being in love thing just hit me hard today… like ton of bricks in my belly hard… ahh-ooww

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(You are)

Water melting from mountain
Pure clear water
From the source

(In me)

Write from your heart
Going out

Every minute moment
Scrutinized glorified

Remember who you are
Glimpses of truth

Still heart racing
Awakens forgotten pieces

Until realization is beaten
Out of me
Permanently dispassionate

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I Still Believe In You

Chemistry that eludes space
Feel you inside me

Soulmate is something to say
with ones last breath

Now I’m praying
Saying this is what I want

You are the
Cure for a moody child

Never have I approached
with so much trepidation

A wickedly handsome face
Revealed to be my sweetest angel

Not cutting my toes off
Cause you’re the perfect fit

Like Psyche’s trials
A rainbow after so much rain

Fall from the clouds
But I’m levitating

Radiated with your love
Flying free

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Sept 08, 2018

Never get close to something you love
Why did you have to turn out this way
I miss you
But no I’m not going to write that poem
For a moment I could forget
All that fell between us
Pretend we are going to meet
Like I wanted so bad
Just for fun
Just for this moment
It would have been nice
Had you stayed by my side
If you never let me down

 

Oct 7, 2018

Its just too much
Of course…
I loved you.
I just loved you too much,
It was just too painful
To not be together,
To not know how
We would be together.
My heart is heavy…
Sinking now.
Goats always win,
Going slow, patient.
I’m not strong
Like you.
I can’t wait.
It’s not your fault.
I was mean
To make you hate me.
But it didn’t work?
Since the start
I was scared and sad.

 

Oct 10, 2018

You can’t have a relationship
Based on ifs
It’s not a game to me
I give up too easily
I mean what I say
Not a, I like you
But deep devotion
Or else destruction
Relationships are trust
That’s all they are

 

Nov 15, 2018

Competition love game
Cliche
Rinse repeats
No
Das Ende
Fin
Nicht Auf…
Nur Wiederzen

What’s tinkering
In my heart
Will remain unseen
Talking talking talking
Talk to me
Only

 

Dec 2, 2018

How can it be that I dont know how to put what i feel into words. Or maybe by revealing them even to myself I’m afraid it will get fucked up again. It’s sad. I really dont want to let this one go. I really want everyone to fuck off. But I’m to afraid to be direct. If I miss the window will I miss the opportunity. I just want this one to last.

 

Dec 19, 2018

I swore I wouldn’t say I love you
But he said it that day he filmed that
And I couldn’t say it back
But he wrote today, it was worth the wait
Cause I said I love you more, good night
Dont forget this you…
You know it was hard to say
You had to be drunk, almost passed out
Sentimental and needing him
To realize you need him
Fuck every one else
Fuck what they think
We need each other
I do, I want him more than anyone, ever

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Listen

You are
Inside me now
Following my heart
Where this journey
Is taking me
Doesn’t matter
Trusting signs
Around me
Always surrounding
My guide
Comfort in your
Consistency
Despite my fleeting emotions
You keep me stable
No reason to
Worry about nothing

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Leaving is Momentum

Words slip in and out of my mind

Say I love you

And jinx it for good

Faithless pro

Explanations abound

But an image lingers

Leave silent

Broken glass

Barefoot alone

Coincidence broken

Inside secret

Heart kept

Intact only

Admire from afar

fairy-dreams-pictures

Breaks

Clear glass held between hands pushed pushed pushed no support slipping falls shatters numb until only pain

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Psyche into the Wilderness

Figures, the devil would be a
sweet faced angel like you,
And light a fire inside me.
Fine I won’t say anything.
In my mind I have to go through it all
let it crash and burn to get over it.
Cherubic angel face tempting me.
My Mischievous Cupid,

I won’t fall…

Deceiving messages packaged positively
are the most satisfying. (Matthew 4:11)

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Fearful of losing

Running from hope to hope

Looking for home

Not second best

First and only

Alone together

Broken down

Disappeared world

But awake only holding

Unfulfilled desires

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Let Not Man Put Asunder

You hold your heart in the open?

Anyone can take it with a smile?

I was so easy to forget,

I’ll be so easy to forget,

When something flesh and blood

Is next to you.

I’ve been drowning in this realization.

I’ll always love you more.

But dont worry,

I’ll always understand you.

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“For the one in authority is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for rulers do not bear the sword for no reason. They are God’s servants, agents of wrath to bring punishment on the wrongdoer.”

God does carry out vengeance/justice, and how is vengeance carried out(?) but through other people. Being in a state of grace means being rid of past karma. One should not seek out vengeance. But when one follows ones inner voice and inadvertently brings karma on another person, they are thus doing god’s work. Being a servant or instrument of God in his serving of justice on the selfish and prideful. In a very cold and unfeeling manner, cause there is a law at work here, as above so below, in earth as it is in heaven. Love is balance and harmony, if someone upsets that balance they get back what they put forth.

You reap what you sow.

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Fire Mantra

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All desire is suffering
Eliminate desire
Eliminate suffering
Moderation
Be in the moment
All else is illusion
The moment you desire
The moment you suffer
Someone else’s hands
Your fate
A cycle of self abuse
All is burning
Blow out
Extinguish
Atman
No self
Cosmic consciousness
At one

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I dont understand how people can’t write down their feelings. It’s like a compulsion for me. I get crazy if I can’t write when I feel the urge. Like in class my professor was teaching some really amazing concepts of Hinduism and Buddhism, and I wanted to write a poem about them right then. But was like no, must pay attention, haha! Anyways I got my phone out afterwards and wrote this.

 

Care Full Heart

Your boyish arrogance
Attracts me.
After all, I’m not a little girl.
Your complexity
Intrigues me,
Maybe I want to break you.
Or maybe I want to be broken.
Those are the ugly thoughts but…
Aren’t we afraid of giving ourselves
Over to another?
Afraid of their hands holding
Our happiness.
Don’t we want
Someone to save us
From ourselves.
But fearful they won’t.
That’s the gamble
When we fall in love
Asserting independence,
But really we are lying.
It takes the utmost
Bravery to allow ourselves
To fall in love.
The truth being:
If I didn’t love you,
You couldn’t hurt me.

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Sci Fi Love is Superior

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I was rewatching the last few episodes of Battlestar Galactica and reflecting on the love stories in the series. I think they are some of the most powerful ones in all of film. “Someone to watch over me” was the last episode I watched. Starbuck is probably the greatest female character ever created. Sam, her lover, is in a coma, even though he can’t speak, can’t hear her, she still stays vigil over him. Interesting their love story: Starbuck going through so many confusing emotional times and he stayed with her even when she was confused and making mistakes. And her risking her life and disobeying orders to go back to earth to get him. And her not being able to stop thinking about him when she had to leave him behind.

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Funny how they portray Starbuck and Lee being confused if they love each other, when they obviously risk everything for their real loves, not each other. Rewatching it it’s more like they are friends or siblings, eww but it’s true. Of course maybe I just don’t like Lee. Sam is dependable and always there for her unlike unrealiable Lee.

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Then there are the stories of the people that find out the person they are in love with is a cylon, how they deal with that is fascinating. It touches on race and prejudices, in my opinion. God, like you can’t get any deeper in a love story than finding out your love is a machine, part of the enemy and loving them despite that. Cause love is really about SELF SACRIFICE, risking and sacrificing everything for another person.

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I love Starbuck though, she shares a similar past with me. In fact it’s kind of painful to watch the back story episodes. Interesting that the further away you get from your past the more traumatic it is to think about. It’s like wow, I really lived through that bullshit?? Anyways it’s an interesting explanation for why she is so strong willed and determined.  Hmm… and why people’s lame attempts at insults don’t bother her, like, “please sweetie I’ve been through hell you can’t even imagine.”
hhjj

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Even the most keen

Have their weaknesses.

The search for the Sublime,

Has been mine.

You are exemplary,

You are validation that God exists.

The revelation of your Divine splendor

Dissolves faithless reverie.

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To Have Faith

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Dream, ending bathed in bright light, holding me.

Telling him I can’t stand to see him with anyone else.

I’m dying, do you see why I need you?

We were embracing each other tightly.

He came for me when I went to hide.

When I went to cry alone.

Because I was scared and didn’t want to show it.

Didn’t want to hurt him, worry him.

In my waking dream, I was utterly alone.

But in my sleeping dream, you came.

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Prelude to Summer

June 19

Devotion, Without Doubt

Crying tears in the sun
Late night I realize
You can love so much
It breaks your own heart
I think about leaving
But you bring me back

May 26

I wish I could forget when it was magic.
I wish I could forget the rush of those first days.
I wish I could forget when you threw it all away.
I told you we could be the strongest,
Why did you mock me then?
Hurts doesn’t it? Being jealous?
Hurts pretending you’re not.
I know how that feels.
Still hurts that you play the victim.
You can’t admit fault, just ignore the truth.
Whatever, play the the child you are,
That’s all you ever were.
I never asked a damn thing of you,
You did it to yourself.
And I’ll never get an explanation,
For your ambiguity.
Did you think I’d forget?

May 24

My lunchtables of the past;
The goth girl,
The slut,
The transgender girl,
And the girl that slit her wrists.
I hung with the freaks
And the bad boys.
But I was just a tease,
Its much more fun to not give it up
And make my teachers blush.
Ooh I’m an outcast still?
Yeah I don’t get along with people
That sacrifice individuality
And freedom of expression
For popularity.
So thanks for the validation
That I never became what you are.

May 18

Bad Girl

It’s so easy to break them
Inconsistent
Enigmatic
Save nothing
Still waters
Immovable
Untamed
But I want you to try
Challenge
Waxing waning
Artemis
Huntress
Can you find me out?
Can you run with me…

May 16

Never Thought I’d Run

I didn’t ask for you to do a live that night.
I knew you were thinking of me,
“Don’t look back” said the dragon.
I didn’t ask for you to buy that green necklace
The next day.
I didn’t ask for you to be in my home town
For four days thinking of me.
I didn’t ask for you to change your wardrobe.
I didn’t ask for you to like the art, movies, or music I like.
I definitely didn’t ask to be stalked and harassed
By your gang of…..
I didn’t ask anything of you ever,
Not once: do this, upload that.
You did everything cause you wanted to.
As I recall, you asked me not to cheat.
And I implied that it hurt me
When you stared at other girls.
And I remember you blatantly disregarded those feelings.

To come after someone just to hurt them,
That’s just mean.
Seeing you only breaks my heart again.
All my hopes and dreams that died
Come rushing back to me.
Ghosts that make me ache.
But everything’s all about you
And your feelings.

May 14

Austere

Everything I never knew that I wanted
Like a going down a check list
Yes, I like that and that and that
Wearing the same clothes
Clueless in the kitchen
Messy room
Sweetest laugh
I’m even in love with the way you walk
Can you never stop walking like that?
It’s just everything
And everything about you makes me crazy
Your sillyness makes me laugh
Yet I yearn to take care of you

May 3

Stay

You’ve fallen so far down
Through the earth to
the other side of the universe
Into a far away galaxy
That you can only hope
is the OOber Galaxy of stars
Cause it’s so beautiful
you don’t ever want to leave

April 26

Nothing to let go
Or hold on to

Not the same
I’m secure
Even if you are
Not with me
I’m serious
But not afraid
I only want
To make you happy

April 18

Women
When we give our love
We often also feel pain,
But they feel only pleasure.
How much more deeply
Do we love? To sacrifice
Our pleasure for theirs.
When in seeking pleasure we
Risk the ultimate pain,
To give life to another.

I’m Smitten

You are Warm

And Cozy

Like Home

I feel Welcome

Kept Safe

I’ve Found

My Deep

I’m Staying

Oh come on now, sweetie

You never touched me

Not once

and you never will

But he will and

When we finally get together

You will hear my screams of ecstasy

Across the oceans

Mmm, Can you hear them?

I hope when you think of me

You think of his hands

All over my body

Breathe, Just Breathe

I’ll meet you there

Somewhere in the wind

Breathe me in

Sigh

Relax

Time and distance

Are illusions anyways

Appreciate the storm

And the calm it brought

To the seas

We are sailing on